Experiments In Silence

So often I find myself craving silence over the course of a day. All too often I find myself frustrated that I cannot find that renewing at home. I remember when I first discovered how it is to be 'hangry', being hungry to the point that it affected my mood and I became cross and irritable. The same is true for me when I have achieved sensory overload. If I've had a particularly heavy day or few days of up front ministering, with little time for silence and renewal, I can become ' sp angry' - having given much of myself and finding I have few resources left, I may not be my usual cheery self - I'm sp ent and that affects my mood. One of the things I remembered today, apt being Armistice Day, is that as a parish we have beautiful buildings available to us and the wider community. During the week these buildings are are often oases of quiet. They are spaces to stop, to think, to reflect, to pray. I remembered this because I needed it.  So this is my cu...

I'm discovering that sometimes I need to snatch some silence when I can. I'm laughing to settle into it quickly to maximize outs benefits. I'm doing that now. Sometimes coffee, cake and quiet for a few minutes are so I'm going to get. I need to continue to learn to make these oases count.

Yesterday, aside from a lovely start to the day of croissants and presents - it was my birthday - I spent the entire day in the car driving to some governor training and driving home again. The day itself has been really good content-wise but that was hampered by... Airless room Strip lighting No natural lighting Lots of input Surrounded by strangers No space. Today has been nose to tail... a  walk, morning prayer (an oasis) and a Said Mass, the rest of the day has been desk based in front of a computer sorting admin, arranging meetings, preparing liturgy, and arranging pastoral catch ups. The result? My brain is full and I feel a bit emotionally bruised. I've been reminded that two days of input, with people, on the go all the time, with little space is not good for my wellbeing.

Tonight, in lieu of the Evening Office I spent time in the presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Exposition, Adoration and Benediction were never really part of my own personal piety, but since coming to serve in this parish, and having become a regular attendee of On Fire Mission's national conference , they have become increasingly important for me. Having now experienced the powerful and yet peaceful presence of Jesus in this way, I would not want to be in a situation where I couldn't again. There is a lovely story of the  Curé  d'Ars, St Jean Vianney. One day in his latter years, the priest noticed a peasant come into the church building and gaze for hours at Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The saint asked him what he said to Jesus during all that time. The peasant replied, 'Nothing. I look at Him, and He looks at me.' There is something profound in that story. As we gaze at Jesus (whether that's in an icon or a stained glas...

Me at my ordination as a priest in 2000  After nearly twenty one years in parish ministry, I have been doing a little reflecting on all that has been. As I play a part in the training and formation of another Curate, I've also been reflecting on some of the things that have sustained me over that time. Boundaries . My own TI was very clear that I needed to take my allotted rest day and if I didn't he would come down on me like a tonne of bricks - not quite his turn of phrase but basically what I heard! Over the years, whilst I am not convinced that I have always taken all of my allotted leave, I have been fastidious about my rest day. The opportunity to take Sabbath, to stop, to do something renewing for me and of me has been key. It was made clear that as a then single person, that I should not be doing my laundry and cleaning on my day off as keeping myself and the house was part of normal life and ministry. This, therefore, allowed my rest day to be just that. Silenc...

As an adult I have always been an early riser. It is a rare occasion for me to lie in. This has been a source of frustration over the years. Since becoming a parish priest, waking early is something I have received as a gift. The space before the world wakes is largely silent and dark - filled with the Other. It is numinous. A thin place. It is time when I often hear God most clearly and sense God's presence. Over many years, the early hours of Sunday morning have been the time that I tend to write sermons. I read scripture on the previous Monday and note I take from commentaries and then I allow it to 'sit' until the latter part of the week when I may look at it all again; but Sunday's are writing time.  Some of you will react in horror that I might leave it all that late. I am self-awareness enough to know that I work best to a deadline and a few hours to write up my thinking certainly galvanises things! But... I am also self-aware enough to k...